It All Falls Apart
by Kris6
Summary: Spencer loved Ashley too much


It All Falls Apart  
Disclaimer: Not mine  
Pairing: Spashley  
Rating: R, drug use, adult themes  
Spoilers: S1  
Summary: Spencer loved Ashley too much…  
**Warning**: Character death

The rain is washing down her back. She has been standing in the same spot for nearly two hours, not moving and barely breathing. She stood there in silence the entire time, facing the darkly accusing stares and taking them knowing that it was the least of which she deserved. She stood there silently, her hot tears masked by the bitter cold rain.  
She closes her eyes tightly and takes a deep breath, forcing herself to stay in this exact spot and let the reality of her actions and their consequences hit her full force. She knows that this is what she deserves. She knows that, out of all of her mistakes, this is one is, by far, the worst one.  
Her one and only chance at salvation is in a solid oak box right in front of her in a hole six feet deep. She knows that she is responsible for all of this, without a doubt.  
Ashley looks down into the open grave and wishes that Spencer never knew what she did. She wishes that she never had to see the look of pity and fear when Spencer walked into the bathroom and saw the needle sticking out of her arm that first time. Just as much, Ashley wishes that it never happened the second time. She wishes that Spencer would have just accepted it rather than try and understand it. She wishes that Spencer didn't love her so damn much.  
She would trade all the love in the world to keep the third and the fourth time from occurring. She would willingly sacrifice her own life if she could go back to the party that night and stop it all. She would do whatever it took to have talked to Spencer instead of letting the girl figure it out on her own.  
All Spencer wanted was to understand why Ashley did what she did. All Spencer wanted was to know what the draw was. All she wanted was to see what was keeping the love of her life in such a desperate place. She wanted to see what was so great about it all. Se thought it could help bring them closer.  
Ashley kept replaying the night in her mind. She remembered removing her studded belt and wrapping it around Spencer's bicep. She remembered that she had to go all the way down so it took five notches to get it tight enough.  
Ashley clenches her eyes shut as fresh tears push themselves out of the corners of her eyes anyways. She remembers the look of trust Spencer shot her way as she heated up the metal spoon with alcohol and the white powder. She remembers the familiar smell of the finished product and the way it bubbled just right, signifying that it was finished. The perfect fix, in her opinion at least.  
Sinking down onto her knees, Ashley remembers the way Spencer held onto the spoon as Ashley took the syringe and pulled the liquid into the base of it. She remembers taking the spoon from the younger girl and searching her arm for a prominent vein. She remembers looking up into the pale blue eyes of her girlfriend.  
"It's okay," she promised, not knowing how hollow the promise was. Not knowing that it would be the last thing she would ever say to her.  
"I trust you," Spencer whispered back as she closed her eyes. Not knowing that those would be her last words.  
Ashley remembers sinking the needle in at a 20 angle and injecting the fluid into the other girl's forearm. She remembers the way Spencer jerked just a little when the needle first went in. But she held her tight and pushed all of the liquid into her vein, rubbing the effected area of the arm with her thumb once the object was fully removed. She remembered the click the pin of her belt made when she released it and removed the belt.  
Out of everything she remembers, she remembers the way Spencer sunk limply into her arms. She can still feel the way Spencer's head felt resting against her shoulder, the younger girl's warm, shallow breath tickling the fine hairs on her neck. She can still hear the soft moan escaping Spencer's throat in her ear. She can still feel the spasm rocking through the blonde girl before going completely lifeless.  
She wishes she could forget all of these things. She wishes that she could close her eyes and block out all of the memories of that night. She wishes this because she forgot the most important thing when preparing her girlfriend's hit. She forgot that Spencer didn't have a tolerance high enough to handle the amount of heroin shot into her system.  
Ashley's hands drop down to her sides in defeat, sending a razorblade to the ground. Rivers of blood trail down her forearms, the deep red being washed out and diluted by the rain still beating down on her. No longer able to hold herself up, Ashley falls to the ground completely, sobs wracking through her body.  
She tells herself that she has no right to be here for taking Spencer out of this world. She tells herself that it isn't fair that she should still be alive when Spencer was being buried today. Her final thought before she blacks out is that she didn't deserve Spencer and the way Spencer just loved her too much.

Sorry, no warm fuzzies here. A little weird thing I couldn't get out of my head.


End file.
